Writing about what I feel has always been the first thing that comes to mind when something eventful happens. But for the past month, I found that I could not write a single paragraph.. a line that would make sense. I couldn't. I tried but I couldn't put everything into words. I was in agony that for the first time in my life, I couldn't bear to "write it away". This has been the most painful for me.

I will try.

I have learned some things about myself actually. Maybe it's not all bad after all. I have ended a relationship with the person I was so sure I'd end up sharing a future with. We shared dreams, we shared laughs, and we shared a few tears here and there. At this point, I can not be angry anymore. I can not look back and say it was about the lies and betrayal and the lack of trust. It wasn't all that. If I had a story to tell, it would be that at one point in my life I've met someone who loved me and whom I loved back. It would be that at one point in my life I have given my all and learned the hard way that sometimes it just doesn't work out, no matter how you both wished it did. I know, that by writing this I will finally close the chapter on that part of my life. Maybe that is why I couldn't write about it for so long. I realize that I've been living inside my very own dream, envisioning a perfect love that has never even existed in the the first place. I had my eyes closed this whole time. Long distance relationships don't really work. Tried and tested. Take my word for it. The frther apart you are, the more distant you become. 

After this, I will probably never be the same. This kind of thing changes people I guess. You realize a few things here and there, and it changes you for good. My eyes are now wide open, and no matter how hard I try, I don't think I can ever trust again. I will never have the courage to jump and free fall without a safety net, the way I used to as a child. I have gained the fear of being fearless. And maybe, when I see myself in the form of some younger, lovesick girl I'd find myself half-hoping that I could be like that again, and half-hoping she doesn't get her first heartbreak ever. When I do see him again someday, I hope that by then he would have reached his goals in life. With or without me those goals were good. And even if it has all fallen apart, I still share his dreams, albeit for me. Someday I will look at him minus all the bitterness his lies have brought me. 

This is my goodbye. I know you will read this. What better way to say it than this. It was here that I first admitted to myself that I love you, it was here that I first admitted to myself that I was willing to sacrifice everything for you. It was here that I wrote about all the memories we have, our fights, our amazing moments, and our love. It was here that I first admitted to myself that our story was ending. Finally, it is here that I am telling you goodbye. Do not wait for me anymore. Live your life without looking back at the footprint I left behind. Life has a way of bringing people closer and tearing them apart I guess. And I want to remember you not as the person who broke my heart, but as the person who loved me the greatest. And I want you to remember me someday not as the one who said goodbye, but as the person who helped make you who you are. 

P.S. I will always remember you when I hear reggae songs, eat indian food, and watch those shows we used to watch together. When I do that, I will smile.