Monday, 02 March 2009
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Cryptic
I am ashamed of myself for being utterly lonely. All this time, I thought I could get anything I wanted just be doing whatever it took. More than that, I thought in the end I would be satisfied. A foolish thought that was. Somehow, I became too greedy, too selfish to see beyond myself. Heaven knows how all the choice I made was for the happiness I dreamed of getting. Apart from the misery I caused to myself and to others, there is a lasting pain and doubt and guilt. Many people thought they knew me, knew the things I did and the things I'm still doing. Evidently they don't, for even I do not know myself and the complexities of my decisions. Doing myself and the world a great deal of injustice. Over-analyzing everything and everyone but myself. Finding out the truth in the smallest of ways. Miserably searching for more answers to my infinitely finite questions. You will never understand the why and the how. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to be loved. Every now and then, there is this hope of finding somebody to see beyond this. Letting my mind wander off as far as it could go. Forever disappointed. Forever unhappy. Once I thought I was clean, unscathed. Realization hits me cold and hard. Bitterly embracing the truth about my insignificant, sinful life. Enveloped in the fear of discovery. I have made the move that would make me less of the person I used to be. Nobody would know, yet nobody would care if they knew. Gently rock myself to sleep. Understanding the uselessness of this act. Trusting myself to go forward. Trusting myself to move backward when needed. Everything would make sense in the end. Remembering the good old days when life was as simple as the ABC's. Life was happier back then. You know this, do you not? Lonely.
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