I am in agony, I'm in so much pain right now like you wouldn't believe. I was happy he called. Yes, he did call. Even if for the longest time I debated on whether or not I would give him my number. I guess in a way, I tried my best to deal with the situation by not dealing with the situation. I want to preserve what we have, in a tightly closed space just so it won't get ruined by everything else. Like I said, he kept me going. And I didn't want to deal with the fact that I've lost the trust. And I was fighting with my inner self to get it back. Love, his and mine, would always be alive in my heart.. Which is why, I've told him nothing but the good news.. I am struggling without telling him anything, but maybe somehow he knew.. That I wasn't the same person I used to be. In a twisted sense, maybe I wanted him to know, how much pain I was in trying so hard not to tell him everything for fear of losing this. He used to be the first person who knew.. knew where I was, knew where my thoughts were, knew me. It just wasn't the same anymore, and in the end I would turn out to be the person who ruins everything. He must've worried so much. And I think about the good old days, when everything was very simple. When we kissed in the rain, when I found myself home in his arms, when he rescued me and made me who I am... He still hasn't read it, my bullshit letter. It's not too late to delete it from his mail I guess, but what would be the point? The damage has been done. What happened was irreparable. It's not as easy as taking back something that has already been given, come to think of it, that's not easy either. I would take all the blame for this, for not believing strong enough, for lacking trust, for losing faith. That would all be on me. What I pray the most is for him not to be half as damaged from this as I am. Him not caring would destroy me, it would be his revenge for what I've done.. but then again I'd accept all that. Because I know it's for his best.
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